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The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times
By: Pema Chodron
Ch. 15 Strength -

The five strengths are strong determination, familiarization with the bodhichitta teachings and practices, the seed of goodness that is found in every living being, the practice of reproach, and the power of aspiration. These are five ways that a warrior increases confidence and inspiration.
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The fourth strength is reproach. Reproach can be tricky because it backfires if there is no maitri (loving-kindness). Its strength is that if used with loving-kindness it will steer us away from debilitating habitual patterns. The gentlest method of reproach is to ask ourselves, "Have I ever done this before?" When we suspect that we're turning away from the moment, we can say to ourselves as a reminder, "Does this way of acting or thinking feel familiar?"

Trungpa Rinpoche encouraged his students to be eccentric Bodhisattva's and to give ego a hard time. He suggested that instead of listening to the radio or singing in the shower, we talk to our ego. "Okay, ego, you've been giving me problems for my entire life and now I'm getting a whole lot smarter. I'm no going to be under your sway for one more day!"

Patrul Rinpoche tells some wonderful stories about a monk called Geshe Ben. Reproaching the ego was one of his main practices. He specialized in catching himself getting hooked. One day some patrons invited Geshe Ben for a meal. After it was over, he was left along in the room with a big bag of flour. Without thinking, he put his cup in the bag and started to take some for his journey. With his hand in the bag he exclaimed, "Thief! Thief!" The patrons rushed in to find him standing there, his hand still in the flour, yelling, "I've caught him! I've caught him! I've caught the thief red-handed!" That's the spirit of reproach. Including a sense of humor is what allows it to work.

The next time Geshe Ben had a meal with his patrons, they were serving other monks as well. Many delicious foods were offered, including yogurt - his favorite - and Ben was at the end of the row. After a while he began to feel nervous that there wouldn't be enough. As the servers ladled on, he nervously watched to see how much others were taking, feeling irritated with those who took more and happy with those who took less. Then suddenly he caught himself in the act, shouting, "Ben, look at what you're doing!" When finally the servers reached for him he covered his bowl saying, "No! No! No more yogurt for this yogurt addict!"

The point of reproach is to develop enough self-respect that when we catch ourselves getting hooked in familiar ways we can stop. We aren't disciplining our badness; we're simply getting smart about what brings suffering and what brings happiness. We're finally giving ourselves a break."

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I've been reproaching myself lately. I didn't have much of a sense of humor about it. People close to me, including you all, have been very supportive. I thought certain thoughts, and felt in a certain way, and I solidified those thoughts and feelings until I ruined a friendship. I have many, many questions about what to do now, and I don't see any answers in sight. I also have many questions about what would have been better at the time, but I don't know those answers, either.

I welcome comments and suggestions.

Question 1: Which is best - taking the things you've learned and setting out on your own or apologizing for harms done. Note the context: I extended myself and was heartily rebuked; and she made her distaste for me quite clear.